Posts by Angus Beef

48

Finally decided to introduce myself here

by cookiemaster in

hey guys !

i've stopped believing the watchtower crap a few years ago.

i achieved this on my own, despite being raised as one.

Angus Beef

Cookiemaster,

Glad to see another defector here! I've only been here less than a week and I'm already waiting for a call from the elders saying they've found me out! It's horrible realizing the mind control they have, had or have had....

I'm waiting for payday so I can run out and get a few books recommended here. I need some reality checks and help to overcome the fears installed for so many years. I too have family in this mess. I'm struggling to stay quite. Glad to see your posts and look forward to reading more posts from you...

I now wonder how many in just my hall are waking up, but not ready to leave due to family and fear.

congrats on college, Keep it up!

27

Ever read back your own posts and thinking WTF?

by DeWandelaar in

as time goes forward people tend to change... expecially if you get out of a cult.

your brain for some reason gets de- and reprogrammed and you get other insights and new opinions.

you become a other human.. when reading back some of my previous posts (of about a year ago) i could not help but have a wtf-moment... i even felt a sudden way of "shame" of all the bullshit i was writing.. if you want to read some of mine just check my posts of about a year back.

Angus Beef

Yeah I'm new here and I should just put my name and address on here with all the personal things I've wrote. Anyone from my Kh would know right away who I am... so I digress. They shouldn't be here anyway. I'm sure I'm gonna have lots of "smacks forehead" moments!!

13

making connections

by losingit in

one of the thing i appreciate most about this site is reading other people's experiences while in and out of the cult.

when i read other people's stories, it helps to validate my own experiences.

i rarely talked to anyone else besides my husband concerning my doubts, and so for the entire time that i was in i thought i was the only one having these negative experiences with the brothers in the kingdom hall.

Angus Beef

I agree.

I think my years of Fatique, depression, anxiety attacks ( that only happened at the Khall) aches and pains that every other if not all sisters had also were from stress of WTS and it's life.

My thought, it's easy to be sick from something "they" can't see or prove. I know there are ones sick that truely suffer. But for me, I think it's all in my head.

FMS is gone now. Ended when I was divorced 5 years ago and was put on Paxil. Finally off the meds and remarried to one awesome man. Amazing what emotional stress can do to ones body and soul.

I'm trying to fade and it's mentally killing me at this time...just not letting it make me phyically ill, I've had enough of that!

Best wishes to you~~

43

Do you look like the apostate they warned you about?

by Angus Beef in

after waking up and wanting to get out of this nightmare, the word apostate is really bothering me.

if i quitely become inactive, fade away will i just be looked at as "always weak".

i want to scream out how big a fool i was.. and now telling my poor young daughter how wrong i was to bring her up as a jw.

Angus Beef

There needs to be a "like" button~! Cus the Village Pic would be one I'd "like".

We are normal. I know ones who left the turth over the years I was active... they actually look happier now.

43

Do you look like the apostate they warned you about?

by Angus Beef in

after waking up and wanting to get out of this nightmare, the word apostate is really bothering me.

if i quitely become inactive, fade away will i just be looked at as "always weak".

i want to scream out how big a fool i was.. and now telling my poor young daughter how wrong i was to bring her up as a jw.

Angus Beef

I hope the panic attacks will go away! I was chatting with my older daugher who is very active, she will bring our grandchild out for the night after their family worship covering Christmas... oh dear lord, just in those simple words, which I KNOW were not towards me, but IT"s like SHE KNOWS! EVERYONE KNOWS what I thinking! REality check. my husband and younger daughter only know.

This gripping fear! MY excuses for not being at the meeting when at one time I never thought much of... sore throat, don't want to make anyone sick. I'm hurting all over and just had to go to bed early, stayed up late... but now, it's like i need to be more convincing. Even convincing my husband. Was never good at lying. and Now... I'm just plain afraid. Again I want out, excited to be getting out... but the overwhelming guilt/fear... at the F'N Same time!!!!

I stopped using my facebook acct that had all the "friends" on it. I've gone to a more private, immediate family only. And even that makes me feel like someone will figure me out...

I know in the long run this will work it's self out and hopefully I can help someone else in the future, but right now this is scary.

Maybe I need to find something outside the home to do... SAHM for years, haven't worked in years. Being in the house by myself all day and worrying off and on all day is really getting to me. I'm feeling obsessed.

Thank you for letting me vent and your suggestions. I know Apostate is only a word, but when its grilled into your head that those are the monsters of the world, satan's special people who drive you from Jah.... it's hard to see that it's only humans, people who live normal lives now, they don't deserve that title.

I'll get to the library as soon as I can. If I could tell my mother about this, Im sure she'd run out and buy the books for me... reunited with her for about 4 years, after ignoring her for 7. I've wasted more than just my life.

43

Do you look like the apostate they warned you about?

by Angus Beef in

after waking up and wanting to get out of this nightmare, the word apostate is really bothering me.

if i quitely become inactive, fade away will i just be looked at as "always weak".

i want to scream out how big a fool i was.. and now telling my poor young daughter how wrong i was to bring her up as a jw.

Angus Beef

After waking up and wanting to get out of this nightmare, the word Apostate is really bothering me. Am I now one? Just because I want out!

If I quitely become inactive, fade away will I just be looked at as "always weak". I want to scream out how big a fool I was.. and now telling my poor young daughter how wrong I was to bring her up as a JW. Does that make me an Apostate? Is this just from the conditioning all those years?

I feel the zeal I had going in almost the same way now, wanting out! I want to tell my family I lost years ago that I'm out. Will this calm down? What am I in for? Is there going to be a grief cycle like divorce, or death: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, depression, guilt, obsession, & then acceptance? I miss the meeting last night, not unusual, but I don't ever want to go back.

Okay my little posties, help!

7

I want to let off steam.

by quellycatface in

the wt conductor in my ex-kh was such a jerk-off.

when i used to answer up, he just called me by my first name instead of "sister chickenhead", or whatever.

the only person he did that to was me, in a kh of about 80, or so.

Angus Beef

Well you know what they say: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me! -Clairee, Steel Magnolias.

47

New here and having ah ha moments!

by Angus Beef in

jw
friends

what made you realize it was time to go?

i've been having health problems for the last few years and instead of any help, i'm listed as spiritually weak and of course associations is only my kids and husband.

all the good jw's have moved to other congregations and are doing well.

Angus Beef

Thanks for the replies!

husband is concerned for me, but our thoughts are the same! He sees what I see. But we are both scared in some sense and I'm excited in others. I want my life back. I'm 45 and learned the "turth" when I was around 23.

hub dont want to fake time, but I will turn in a few skinny hours. I do letter writing from home because I have diabetes that wasn't caught soon enough and I have nerve damage to my legs, can only stand for a few mins then they go painfully numb. anyway... it's something they can't question as far as my stamps go...I average around 2 to 4 hours each month. But I was told it's not really service time because I'm not out in a car group...of course that's bro peacock!

I mentioned to LoisLane in a private note that I feel like I could complain about 20 something wasted years in one day! Am I the only one?? Did you feel like that! This is worse then an emotional roller coaster ride of divorce!

thanks for the advice... esp "shut up for now" That's a work in progress!

Angus Beef ( never listen to commercals when trying to find a screen name!)

47

New here and having ah ha moments!

by Angus Beef in

jw
friends

what made you realize it was time to go?

i've been having health problems for the last few years and instead of any help, i'm listed as spiritually weak and of course associations is only my kids and husband.

all the good jw's have moved to other congregations and are doing well.

Angus Beef

I talked to my husband and this would not be the first discussion within the last year. There's been times he's wanted to quit, and I'd be understanding but say things like maybe we need to find a different hall, etc. He feels the same as I, we'd lose the grandkids. His daughter left the truth and his son not long after we'd been married. If we left it would be a smack in their faces. My daughters are from my first marriage, that ended because he couldn't take the pressure from his non-Jw family. I came in the truth after we'd married and he never took but never opposed. My current husband I've known from the Khall...for years. We thought we could strenghten each other but we couldn't find the love of the truth that we once had. We've struggled. He wants to keep going, I think because he's already been ignored by elders etc because of the shaving issue, and I don't think he could handle total disassociation. He has no real friends in the khall, just ones who like to use him. His work allows him big discounts on auto parts and they all come running when they need something. He has now stopped giving discounts. And the treatment has become worse. Ppl notice but they don't get it, you only want to be our friends when you want something. UGh!

My oldest daughter is married to a MS and his father was the PO at one time... so we feel like they watch us like a hawk. I can't say anything negative in front of her... my SIL has said he felt we'd be gone in 10 yrs which hurt our feelings.. narcissistic find it hard to be tackful!

My youngest I talked to today and asked her not to be mad at me but I was done. She said she wasn't mad but confused. I told her it wasn't fair that I raised her this way and then stop. I just can't do it anymore. You could cut the tension in the Khall with a knife. There's so many clicks and mooches I just can't find a positive to hold on to...

thanks for the advice. I will hang in for the kids and tread lightly.

My oldest sees what goes on, but she keeps her mouth shut. She don't want to start problems and avoids conflict. I guess she'll have to find out for herself. She too believes we are so near to the end, she scofted when I told her we'd be starting our 401K next year. I'm not turning 70 and have nothing to retire on and hope that SS is there. Take a lesson from the ant!

47

New here and having ah ha moments!

by Angus Beef in

jw
friends

what made you realize it was time to go?

i've been having health problems for the last few years and instead of any help, i'm listed as spiritually weak and of course associations is only my kids and husband.

all the good jw's have moved to other congregations and are doing well.

Angus Beef

What made you realize it was time to go? I'm venting~!

I've been having health problems for the last few years and instead of any help, I'm listed as spiritually weak and of course associations is only my kids and husband. All the good JW's have moved to other congregations and are doing well. but what is left here is the good ol boys or peacocks. We have the uterus club, only a select few women who go out in service together and will find excuses for you not to join, our car is small, we have studies and I can only take my friend (who loves to kill time like I do)... It's an on going list that seems similar to ones I've read here. I never wanted to read apostate, and I apologize for the term, but I only looked up the question on why my husband got shamed by an elder for coming back from vacation with a goatee... hubby wore it for a few months and it stired up dookie at the KH. He finally gave in and shaved... but brother bi-polar can wear a soul patch and carry the mics. Is it just who you know, why yes! One family shows up maybe twice a year and people flock to say hello to them like crazy...but I miss a few Thursday nights and we get scouls from the elders. I'm tired of the double standards. I've known of situations that should have been reported to the police, and don't understand why the elders leave it up to the individuals to report but also give the suggestion that it's been taken care of by the JC there fore it's not reported because who would report a brother!

I can't walk out, I have a two grand children who I'd never see again if my daughter knew how I felt. I've seen others mention they stay for their families. How do you fake it? I'm willing to turn in false time to get the elders off my back, I don't think my eternal life is based on average numbers. It should be in how we live our lives in a christ-like manner. Don't even let me get started on the hooker heels the sisters wear and no one says a thing!

How do I go back this week and not let the elders figure me out! How can you fake it? I've been off TMS for a while and they seem to keep giving me talks. Hubby has asked to be off and he still gets his little papers stuck in his face by the young autistic boy who wouldn't understand you telling him no. I'm tired of watching this all happen and why it took so long for me to see it now. When I first started studing I prayed to God not to let me get involved with a false religion, I don't know what happened there! 20 something years ago!

I know I've got questions that can't all be answered, I just had to get some things off my chest, and I've got more thoughts than Ive got time for this morning. any thoughts would be appreciated.